The title is not strictly true as I only have Beetles but I want a camper van so I thought I'd be optimistic for once.

I am on my third Beetle. The first was a 1972 yellow 1302S which was visciously pounced on by a lorry on 23 January 2008 and died of his wounds. Fortunately he carried a donor card so his useable parts have been put to good use helping other Beetles to live on. I also carry a donor card but I survived the crash (although it didn't feel like it at the time) so anyone needing my bits and pieces will have to wait a while.

The second was a 1968 1300, in Savannah Beige, called Porridge. Well what else can you call a pale brown car? He was suffering from galloping rust which no one seemed to want to repair. As soon as his tax ran out a nimby down my street was onto the council complaining of an illegal car on the road. When the car stayed where it was they complained to the police and I realised I'd run out of time. I sold him ASAP.

The third was acquired while Porridge was still stood on the road. He's another 1302S with a fetching sky blue paint job and called Cyril. I got him because I haven't driven a Beetle much in the past eleven months and withdrawal symptoms were setting in. I missed the waves and toots from other Beetle drivers who didn't know I was one of them doomed, as I was, to drive in the wrong body. I had taken to driving Porridge to welders that were further and further away and got toots from all sorts of drivers but that was usually because something had dropped off.

Possibly worse was not being able to mock the mock Beetles with their water cooled engines and fuel filler caps at the wrong end.

I really wish I could have got Porridge repaired but, saying something about me that I'm not sure I like, that's mostly so I could leave him outside the nimby's house legally and drive Cyril.

These are things I have done on my Beetles which may be of use to a lost soul or give a few moments of mirth to someone more knowledgable than me so the links to them are below. All the jobs I do are done at the kerbside as I don't have a garage or a drive. The road I live on is also a hill with a reasonable gradient.

Any lost souls who hear laughter from down the street, where a pristine Beetle is parked, can assume someone more knowledgable than me has found a gaff I've made. Read on at your own peril.

• My totally unendorsed by anyone and probably completely wrong method of going about tarting up the bodywork
• Adding an intermittent function to self parking wipers
• Replacing the outer window scrapers on the doors
• Rear suspension (1302/3)

This is to show what a smartie I think I am:

• Engine problems
• Car electrics (eggheading for pinheads)
• The 4 stroke cycle
• 4 stroke ignition
• Vacuum (and mechanical) advance
• Electrics fault finding
• Relays
• Lighting switch

 Bits and pieces that belong somewhere or other:

• Suppliers
  
• a rant about modern cars
• Beetle gallery
• Gallery of old bangers and other assorted ve-hic-ules
• Diary of things I've done on my Beetles